What does it mean to be engaged to myself? What does it mean to marry myself?
What does it mean love myself? For ever and always? In sickness and in health? In riches and in poverty? Til death do this skin suit and I part?
What does it mean to find comfort in my own skin suit?
What does it mean to feel safe. And seen. And heard. And at peace and ease. At home?
What does it mean to love myself thru and because of the dirty dishes and 4-weeks I cleaned out litter box? What does that look like? Marrying my own best friend, my Self? My Higher Self? Beloved Queen Sophia Grace? Ooh yeah baby she's my Queen.
What does it mean to marry myself, when for so long I searched far and wide for surface-level healing and medicine? What is the medicine I am now receiving from my past experiences that feed my connection to, appreciation of, and love for my Self?
Because you see, I searched for love, comfort, safety and security, in many places, with many people. I looked for love and all those things outside of myself when really, the treasure is within.
I searched for love in bed having sex with men in Mexico.
I searched for comfort and safety in food, binging and purging.
I numbed with joints and cigarettes. I numb with joints and cigarettes. And food. Always with food.
The truth behind the glitter and disco balls and sheep fur rugs is that I *also* leave dishes dirty in my sink for four weeks sometimes. Cat litter too. Shit everywhere. Shit show. Literally. I can be a hot mess, y'all.
I have been a hot mess for most of my life from young adulthood until now. Turning to food to cope with emotional pain and trauma at home and at school, I found myself uncomfortably overweight with confused hormones in my own skin suit. Sweet Maggie Jane I love you so much, baby girl. Sweet 5th grade one. I came here to love you, angel moon beam.
In high school, I turned to being the Perfect child and student to be the Great Pretender that my mother was in her home growing up. The Great Pretenders they called themselves in spite of the divorces, money coming from grandparents, fathers leaving to Santa Barbara with their secretaries, leaving my single grandmother with three young girls under the age of 10. Bless Great Grandmother Carolyn and Great Grandfather Henry Fish. Bless their names and dance on their graves.
I recently read a quote that went along the lines of, “pain will be passed down in families until someone has the courage the feel it.” You guys. I am that person in the family in my family. For both my mother and my father. I am going back deep into the generations and healing some deep deep shit, y’all. This work is not for the faint of heart or the sprinters. It’s long distance. Super marathon running. Dancing. Crying. Laughing. Weeping. Jumping in Ecstatic Joy.I’ve done a lot of work to get to where I am now, so embodied in my skin suit and present in this moment, and loving myself thru it all. I am so proud of myself.
And — this work is on the backs of my ancestors bones. Were it not for them, I may not be where I am today in many ways. Maybe not even alive. Who the fuck knows. Blessed be we don’t have to find out. Blessed be my ancestors. Thank you for the opportunity, privilege, courage, strength, humility, power, love, compassion, honesty, clarity, insight, foundation, roots, and wings, the honor... of doing this work. This truly is our work and I will do this in your footsteps in your honor, blessing the way I walk for our children who will be birthed from my womb and the womb of my brothers wife. I am grateful, honored, humbled, privileged, in awe, filled with love and joy to do this work in the world. Thank you!!!!!! So much!!!!! I take none of my work or your work or any of our privilege for granted. Thank you for all you did in your life to live your purpose being here.
So, still. What does it mean to marry myself? Commit to living in grace, humility and strength in the footsteps of my ancestors with their iron in my bones and blood in my veins? Living a yogic lifestyle with myself and with others?
I've got lots of thoughts and lots in the works. For now, here is some inspiration from my dear beloved friend Nahko and Medicine for the People.
"Well I was listening to the outgoing seasons
About climate change and some of the reasons
When the sky opened, like I'd been hopin'
And there came horses by the thousands
And there was thunder on their tongues, and lighting on their minds
And they were dinging this old melody from some other time
They sang, Don’t waste your hate
Rather gather, and create
Be of service, be a sensible person, use your words and don’t be nervous
You can do this! You’ve got purpose
Find your medicine and use it"